There are those mornings when it all happens: the cereal ends up on the floor; the toddler decides pants are optional; and the cat is sick in your work shoes. These are the days that start with a laugh or a sigh. Or maybe both, because let’s be honest – family life isn’t neat. It isn’t quiet. And plans which have been made with intention are shredded in a moment. That doesn’t mean that it’s broken, though. It just means it’s real.
So much of modern life is packed into boxes; we’re told to organize, streamline and optimize. There are apps for everything, planners with stickers and tabs, color-coded calendars. And let’s be clear, there is a place and a purpose for that. You can’t let everything go to ruin, and nobody should be suggesting that you can. But there is also a place for a messy ponytail tied with an elastic band, toast in a bowl, and bedtime stories read with three kids somehow in the same bed. Sometimes, the best thing a parent can do is accept that not everything can be controlled, and manage the chaos.
Letting go of the mood board
If you watch enough influencer content online – and some would argue that any is more than enough – then you’ll see immaculate homes, bento-box lunches, and co-ordinated family outfits in seasonally-appropriate hues. The message is that this is how it’s done, and with the right products, you can have it too. The key thing to remember in all of this is that these videos, Instagram stories and Pinterest mood boards are a highly-curated snapshot, their lives are probably equally chaotic, and they’re spending time and money creating a facade that bears no relation to what’s happening behind the scenes.
In truth, think about what you remember from childhood with any amount of affection. Was it being cajoled into a sweater for a posed photo, or the ad hoc games and tasty meals with a soundtrack of laughter? Chasing aspirational content will only take you further away from the things that really make family life special, so don’t envy the influencers in those videos; at best, they’re merely not showing those unscripted moments and at worst they’re prioritizing content over parenting.
Chaos brings connection
Family life is unpredictable, in good ways as well as bad. Sure, sometimes there will be bumps and bruises and on occasion kids may act out. That’s normal, because they’re learning how to move through life. And it is often in the unguarded moments that the best of family life comes out. The unexpected snow days that turn into picnics in the kitchen, the craft projects that are embarked upon to harness excess energy, the unplanned movie marathons – these are the moments that build bonds between parents and kids, and between siblings.
As one plan falls apart, the chance to do something different arises. Your planned picnic got rained off? No matter, time to bake cupcakes! Little League game cancelled? Time for a scavenger hunt instead. The improvised moments are what kids remember when they’re all grown up, long after they’ve forgotten that meticulously-planned birthday party one of their friends had.
Lower the stakes
Part of the problem with the increasing availability of information and content is that these days, it feels like everything has to be elaborately planned. Every detail needs to be pinned down, and there needs to be a contingency plan if that one goes off the rails. With high hopes comes a higher degree of difficulty and higher stakes. And the truth of the matter is that – again, remember being a kid yourself – structure isn’t what makes children happy. Sometimes, a quick win is all you need.
Planning an elaborate meal and trying to schedule what everyone is doing at every stage of the day leaves no room for maneuver. It’s also not necessary – you’ve got enough going on, so setting things up for the kids to play games while you make sure they’re fed and watered and plan out the evening meal is more than reasonable. Between checking the oven every so often and peeling the vegetables on time, you can be present to just chill with the kids and hear about what’s going on in their school life and with their friends. Your kids don’t care if you’re a domestic deity – they’d much rather you met them on their level.
Redefine what productivity means
Parenting is a pressurized experience, and there is nothing that will change that – the moment you care about something, the inevitable result is that it will present you with concerns. The good news about that is that feeling the pressure and stress doesn’t mean you’re failing in any way – those Instagram moms are feeling it too even if they don’t show it. And even if you treat parenthood as a project with quarterly goals and KPIs, it’s still going to become a living, evolving mess, because people are subject to their emotions and whims. And that’s fine.
Productivity isn’t about everything looking spotless and everyone’s next four weeks being fully planned out to the minute. When you’re a parent, productivity is everyone getting out the door fully dressed and with their bag or briefcase fully packed. It’s everyone being happy and healthy enough and pulling in the same direction. From the outside, that can look like you’re just holding on. But holding on is always going to be easier when the bonds have been forged through love and understanding.
Resilience in unplanned moments
Not to put a downer on anything, but there are always going to be times when a family faces the unexpected: job changes, sudden illness or other life events. Ideally, we’d be able to see everything coming early enough to neutralize its impact, but that’s not how life is, and while with a bit of luck you won’t face any trials that are too impactful, adaptability is never going to be a useless quality. When bad things happen, you need to adapt – and that’s actually a lot easier if you’ve got some experience of dealing with days that go off the rails.
Being able to adapt is also an opportunity to model how to respond when things don’t go right. Your kids can learn from you and how you bear a situation that’s far from ideal. If you can respond to setbacks with something resembling a smile and a positive attitude, then your family as a whole will gain perspective and appreciate how to handle those moments. Setbacks big and small are a part of life; you’ll gain so much if you recognize that it’s not preventing them that’s the goal – it’s being resilient when they happen.
Finding the joy
It’s easy to watch the perfect families on our screens with a touch of envy, and to wonder why your life isn’t like that. It’s more realistic to look at them and realize that their lives aren’t like that either. And if they were, stop for a moment and imagine how they would deal if someone got injured, lost their job or suddenly fell ill. A machine that is designed to run smoothly can break down irreparably if a grain of sand falls into the works; a machine that is designed to handle the bumps and the breaks will keep going; it might not be as pretty, but it endures.
And that is what a real family looks like. It has its ups and downs, and its trauma, but it endures because what matters isn’t keeping the chaos outside; it’s handling it with a smile.